


REQUIEM FOR A SOUL

by everlastiinq



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Bottom Dean, Canon verse, Emotional, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, Top Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-10 00:15:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3269594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everlastiinq/pseuds/everlastiinq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His brother was damned in perdition. His angel friend, like a stranger, vanished like vapor. Days pass and adds nothing but worry into his weary head and agony into his empty ribcage. He has a home now with Lisa and Benjamin Braeden. But does his heart feel at home?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**THE ROAD SO FAR:**  His brother was damned in perdition. His angel friend, like a stranger, vanished like vapor. Days pass and adds nothing but worry into his weary head and agony into his empty ribcage. He has a  _home_  now with Lisa & Benjamin Braeden. But does his  _heart_  feel at home?

 

Authors & contact information:

**Nadine: (writes Dean's P.O.V)**

twitter - @Winchesdurr

wattpad - Winchesdurr

tumblr - Winchesdurr

 

**Eden: (writes Cas' P.O.V)**

twitter - @infiniteeden

wattpad - everlastiinq

ao3 - everlastiinq

tumblr - everlastiinq


	2. Prologue

_Father if he dies before me_

_take these broken wings away_

_Don't let me survive_

_Father don't let me survive_

_for I will not live another day_

_Father if he dies before me_

_Tell him what I've always known_

_(that he deserves to be saved_

_deserves to be loved_

_deserves an angel of his own)_

_Father if he dies before me_

_know that I'll no longer fly_

_for without the righteous man_

_beside me I'll forever be lost to_

_bright green eyes_

_\- felicia tomolonis (deanwinchesterprays.tumblr)_


	3. The End Begins

Sometimes the screaming was so loud he could still hear it when he's wide awake. His younger brother, engulfed in flames, begging to be rescued from perdition.

Dean Winchester, a broken soul, but not helpless. 

He awakened in a sweaty heap, his hair sticking to his forehead. Leaning on his hip, he saw his partner, Lisa, in a deep, peaceful sleep, her chest moving up and down to the rhythm of the gentle breath that left her lips.

_...Tick...Tock..._

One year, five months and twenty nine days.

Two days left.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**DEAN'S P.O.V:**

That breath. That sound of breathing; of air entering and exiting her lungs, it's like music to my ears. It's better than Foreigner. Better than Blue Oyster Cult. To listen to her inhale...exhale...To know she's alive. 

One year, five months and twenty nine days I've lived with Lisa and Ben. It feels weird to have a family. Having a kid to take care of and a semi-permanent lady to entertain feels so comfortable, yet terribly...uncomfortable. I'm becoming this typical suburban dad, watering the garden and fixing the fence, except without the tennis shoes and polo shirts.

It's a peaceful neighbourhood. It's like suburgatory stuff going on here. People know each other, they friggin' trade pies just out of kindness. Its been long but I'm still trying to fit in. I don't feel peaceful inside. Pretty sure it's not about the neighbourhood.

Something in my own little mind.

Messing with my peace. 

My nightmares.

About my little brother getting ripped apart downstairs, like what Alastair did to me. But that's not all.

It all starts coming back to me. My dreams. The memory of when I was pulled out of hell by that son of a bitch Castiel, seared into my brain. I remember. I remember drowning in red, the flames melting my skin over and over, until I saw those eyes of his and for once in a long time; I felt safe. For a second there, when I saw him burning his way down to grab me, I felt safe. For the first time in thirty years. 

Now this one, I'm not sure if it's a nightmare or a good dream.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean has a routine. Every Monday to Friday he wakes up at 6am, jogs around the silent neighbourhood and runs back home. 

He goes to work at 8am in a car saloon three kilometers away from home. He uses his blue truck. He comes home at 6pm.

On weekends he would spend quality time with Lisa and Ben. Play board games, video games. Sometimes they would even go to fancy places like a restaurant down town.

This has been going on for one year, five months and twenty nine days. Every one of his neighbours know his routines.

So does Cas.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**CASTIEL'S P.O.V:**

**  
**Humanity is a beautiful thing.

I do not have a soul, but sometimes when the smell of the roses bore themselves so deep into my nostrils and the bees buzz so harshly it affects my brain, emotions start to take control.

But that's only the start of it.

I knew from the moment I first laid my hand on his shoulder that Dean Winchester was too precious to be in hell, on Earth and even Heaven wasn't good enough for that righteous man.

I knew he was praying to me. He prayed to me once, sometimes even twice every night ever since Sam went to hell...and God help me, I wanted to reach out to him with every fiber of my being.

But I couldn't.

These emotions, they were too strong. A certain... _relentless hunger_. Like I was a vegetarian who hadn't ate any food for weeks and Dean was the juciest, meatiest bit of steak, right in front of my eyes. 

Forbidden, but tempting.

So instead, I just listened to his prayers without a word, the sound of his voice making my bones ache.

"I'm an idiot. I guess I can agree with Bobby now, huh? I'm a goddamn 'idjit'. I kept convincing myself that you're alive, Cas. 

You know, months back, I had high hope. I was certain that Sam will come back. However it is, I thought he would come back. I thought you would come back too.

I pray to you Cas, every night before I go to bed. Hell, sometimes I don't even go to bed. Sometimes I would stay up all night talking to you, Cas. Hoping that you'd reply. Well, I guess that just makes me look like a goddamn lunatic, doesn't it? I used to make up reasons on why you never answer anymore, maybe you're busy upstairs doing some angel business stuff. Maybe you're too busy saving the world. 

I don't know anymore, Cas. What other reason should I make up for myself?"

He needed an explanation. I know, he needed an explanation. I couldn't explain my feelings, but I also couldn't just sit there and watch as Dean suffered endlessly.

I made a plan.

To raise Sam from perdition.

The plan would commense on the eighteenth month of his disappearance, in forty eight hours. It was incredibly dangerous and if the other angels in Heaven found out, my fate would be doomed. But this was for Dean, and I would do anything for that man.

Oh, the things I'd do for him.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**DEAN'S P.O.V :**

Here I am again. At the dinner table, the time of the day when we have to sit around together and talk our hearts out. Ben would talk about school, Lisa would talk about the neighbors. I would just sit with them and listen. If they ask, then I would answer. The less they know about me, the better things would be. I don’t want to look like the broken helpless not-so-courageous “hero” I am. For once, I have a normal ass life with wonderful normal ass people. They would ask me about my day, what I was thinking about, what I’m up to. I would make up answers.

I guess I’m one hell of an actor. 

The negative thoughts are the worst at night when I'm alone, they come to life and my mind is not my own. I would sit with a beer in my hand, clenching it hard as I think myself into a bad mood. After all the monsters I’ve hunted, nothing is scarier than this. Nothing is more terrifying than my little mind taking over itself.

I lost two important people in a span one day, the only people I have. I lost Sammy, I lost Cas. It’s like standing on top of a steep, icy mountain. You stand alone and there's no one or nothing around you to keep you warm. I feel exposed in a very strange place. A place where I don’t belong. 

Just when I thought I could let that one go, these dreams come attacking me. 

The fact that when I say “bitch”, I have no brother to respond to that.

The fact that now I could only hear his voice in the voicemail. And I’ve called his phone. Countless times. I don’t expect an answer. I just want to hear his voice. That voice I used to hear everyday. 

“ _Hey, this is Sam, leave your message after the tone_ ”.

I repeatedly call it. I listen to it. I listen to it over and over until finally, instead of his voice, I was greeted with; “ _the number you are calling has been disabled_ ”.

It destroys me that that is goodbye. That right there, was an official goodbye. It was time for me to let go of the person I’ve taken care of like a rare antique.

Losing my little brother is enough to destroy me.

And then I lost Cas.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**CASTIEL'S P.O.V:**

**  
**His voice was cracked yet soft, ringing in my head like a bell. He'd pray my name so many times that whenever I heard ' _Cas_ ', it started to feel unreal. Like my mind was playing tricks on me.

Hate is a strong word, but this was definitely something I loathed.

And even though these emotions for Dean stung me, giving me a perception of internal bleeding, sometimes I just couldn't stay away.

I batted my wings and in the speed of light I was in Dean's home, invisible to the human eye. He, Lisa and Ben sat at the dinner table. Lisa and Ben talking about Ben's school work, Dean nodding along, the corners of his lips tugging slightly upwards.

That feeling in my stomach churned, getting heavier within each second.

' _Cas, Castiel..._ '

Dean's voice echoed in my head. I watched him as he picked at the food on the plate in front of him with his fork, the food never actually entering his mouth. His mouth pressed into a thin line, he ran his tongue over his bottom lip. 

' _Castiel_ ,'

Dean mouthed it this time. His lips moved, only the slightest, but I knew what he was saying. The heat in my stomach lit up like a Christmas tree.

And with that, I flew away before the butterflies inside me did so themselves.

I flew to Missouri River and perched on a rock, observing the gentle motions of the water sweeping bits of wood from side to side. A bumblebee joined me, landing on the tip of my nose, and I lay my finger out for it to move onto it.

" _Hey little guy,_ "

It was the first words I'd said aloud in a while and my voice started to break in response.

I didn't notice I was crying until the bee shook, soaking up the tear that had fallen onto it. Realisation soon hit me, that the bee was drowning.

"I'm so sorry! Here, let me help." I whispered to it as the tip of my finger met with it's stinger, healing the small creature.

The bee buzzed brightly, shifted off my finger and flew in front of me, left to right a few times, as if it was showing off.

"If only humans were as simple as you guys..." I trailed off, swallowing a lump in my throat. "Isn't love a funny thing? It can make one go craz-"

I stopped mid-sentence in shock at the word that had just left my mouth.

Love?

Love.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One year, five months and thirty days.

Twenty four hours left.

 

 


	4. Resurrection

**DEAN'S P.O.V:**

It happened again.

For the countless time, I dreamt about it again. Cas gripping me from the fiery shithole.

I used to dream about Alastair carving into me. Drowning me into boiling, bubbling, dark chemicals. I always start the day with drinking so I could escape from those horrible memories.

I thought dreaming about my time in the basement was terrifying enough. Turns out dreaming about the first time Cas laid a hand on me is so much damn worse. 

It's not the pain of the torture and burns that makes it worse.

It's the fact that for a second, I don't feel a micro bit of fear. 

I knew this stranger would save me from all this bullcrap. 

I just knew.

\----------------------------------------------------------

**CASTIEL'S P.O.V:**

Two minutes.

Only two minutes until the eighteenth month.

I stood at Stull Cemetery, leaves blowing around my feet. The last time I was here, Dean's surrogate father Bobby suffered a horrible death, Sam sacrificed himself into hell and Lucifer blew me to pieces right before Dean's eyes. I still remember the feeling of my grace being torn in multiple directions.

My own father resurrected me later that night, but Dean doesn't know that.

To Dean, his whole family was dead. Gone in a flash, yet he still has faith. He would still pray to me, over and over, like he just  _knew._ He knew that somewhere, I was watching.

Now I am going against my father's will, against everything I have ever known.

Thirty seconds.

I took a deep breathe, and started the chant.

" _Thou send me to perdition,_ " The words left my mouth, clear and confident. " _For I will rebel,_ "

Ten seconds.

" _For I have rebelled,_ "

Five.

" _For I have sinned._ "

And with that, the ground concaved and I spread my wings, diving into the depths of nightmares.

 

Hell was just as I remembered it; cold. And not just the cold you feel in a wintry morning, but the type of cold where your blood feels so frozen that it starts to sting. Almost like you're burning from the inside out.

It was dark and silent through the hallways, unless you press your ear up to one of the doors. That's when you would hear it. The piercing shrieks of souls being agonized, sliced and shredded in ways that were unimaginable.

I had to do this quick. I slid my way through the hallways, angel blade well-hidden and secure inside my coat.

When I finally found Sam, he was in an empty room, curled up in a corner. His stomach had been ripped open, intestines dangling out and wrapped tightly around his throat. His left eye had been stabbed, the wound looking fresh but the blood already dry, crusted in his hair that stuck to his face.

" _P-p-lease,_ " Sam croaked, attempting to lift his arm up to cover his head for protection. " _D-don't do t-this..._ "

"Sam, it's okay. It's Castiel. I'm going to get you out of here." I breathed, and at that moment I had never felt the human emotion  _sympathy_  so immensely. 

I put two fingers to his forehead and let my grace take over, patching up every wound he was submitted to. Sam gasped, coughing for a few seconds, and then his head tilted, wide eyes meeting mine.

" _Cas?_ " He whispered, and I nodded in response.

Sam leaped at me, wrapping his arms around my back and sobbing into my shoulder. " _P-please let this be r-r-real!_ "

I swallowed the lump in my throat awkwardly, but returned the hug, rubbing circles on his back; a sign of  _soothing_ that I had picked up from Dean. Sometimes he would do it to Ben when he'd come home from school crying.

"It's real. I'm real," I pulled back and broke the chains that bound him. "But I have no time to explain right now, Sam."

He nodded and stood up, slightly wobbling. Together, we started to make our way back down the hallways, heading for the exit. So close...

"Cas, watch out!" Sam's voice echoed and I jerked around, stabbing the demon that was about to attack me through it's throat, cutting off it's ability to scream.

" _Stupid_..." I muttered. "Let's go."

 

Earth.

Sam paced from left to right repeatedly at the cemetery, until finally, he stopped and looked me stone dead in the eye.

"Why'd you do it?"

Taken aback by the abrupt question, I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing come out.  _It was for Dean,_  of course. I did it,  _all of it_ , for Dean.

"Did Dean set you up to do this?" Sam questioned, his eyes misty.

"No." I replied, simply. 

It was partly the truth. Dean never prayed for Sam to come back, he prayed for peace. Happiness. Family.

But Sam was his family.

"How is he, anyway?" 

"Dean?"

"No, Elvis Presley," Sam rolled his eyes. "Yes, Dean. How's he been holding up?"

I bit my bottom lip. "He's...doing very well. He's with Lisa and Ben."

Sam's eyes softened and he raised his eyebrows, just the slightest. "And he's happy?"

I gulped. "He's living a normal, apple pie life, just like you wanted him to."

Sam's lips tugged upwards, giving the smallest smile. "Do you live with them too?"

I shook my head, avoiding eye contact.

"Oh, but you visit, right?" Sam asked, his voice gentle.

I fiddled with my fingers, picking the skin near my nails. "Dean thinks I'm dead."

Sam's eyes widened, jaw dropping. "Dean thinks you're what?!"

I frowned at him, my mouth pressed into a thin line. "He thinks I'm dead. And it better stay that way. He's living the life you wanted him to have."

"I can't believe you just ditched him like that, Cas," Sam's expression leaked of disappointment. "If you've been ignoring him this whole time, how come you resurrected me? What makes me so special? Why now?"

My head spun from all the questions that even I wasn't sure the answer for. I rubbed my temple with my fingers. My mouth was dry, and I swallowed nothing.

"You're my family," I croaked. "And family comes first."

Sam shook his head, raising his voice. "Don't give me that bullshit, Cas! Just tell me the goddamn truth! I think I deserve it, don't you?" Sam's eyes were glassy and he softened when he noticed me flinching.

"Look, I'm sorry for yelling..." He rubbed the back of his neck and huffed out a breath. "But seriously, Cas. I can tell you're lying."

I broke eye contact and bit my lip. "Your brother, he needs you..."

"Dude, you ditched Dean for a year and a half after his whole family just got killed, most likely ignored the prayers I am  _sure_  he sent to you, and you take me out of hell just to please my brother? You don't even talk to hi-"

I couldn't take it anymore. I flew Sam and I to Lisa and Ben's porch, Sam tumbling over when we landed.

"What the hell, dude?! Just tell me the freaking truth!" He shouted with pupils so dilated he almost looked demonic.

"I'm sorry, Sam. But I have to do this." 

And I put two fingers to his head, replacing his memory of our meeting and conversation, then disappeared.

\----------------------------------------------------------

**DEAN'S P.O.V:**

Fire, torture. Fire, Sam.

Fire, carvings. Fire, Cas.

My dreams.

Always in that order. But tonight, it wasn't in that order. Not even the things I've listed. 

After one year and six months of constantly dreaming about those ugly things and memories, I guess tonight my mind was just too exhausted to continue playing tricks on me.

It was 2:13am. I was awakened by the ringing sound of the doorbell, piercing through my skull. I was ready to throw punches. For once, I had a fantastic, nightmareless deep sleep and it's just gone?! What kind of a god damn yahoo doesn't have the simple knowledge of MANNER? 2am. Really?

I sat on my bed, running my fingers through my hair and groaning at the irritating noise of the bell ringing over and over, which Lisa and Ben surprisingly didn't wake from. Guess they were energy drained.

I took a gun from under my bed. First guess I had in mind was that this son of a bitch was clearly a god damn monster.

I crept down the stairs, keeping as quiet as possible.

I twisted the doorknob.

It let out a screech as it turned.

And when I saw who was standing before me, my breathing hitched, and my palms unclenched the gun.

I was greeted by that voice. That voice I've been longing to hear.

"Hiya Dean,"

I froze.

"I know, I look fantastic, right?"

 


	5. Goodbye, Goodbye

**DEAN'S POV:**

Shapeshifter?

Doppleganger?

Ghoul?

Hundreds of guesses filled my brain but believing whatever was standing in front of me was really  _Sam_  was last. Was he really  _my brother_? My brother, who I thought I'd never see again for the rest of my damn life? That phrase... ' _I know, I look fantastic, right?_ ' I said that exact same thing to him the first time I saw him after I got back from hell. Was he mocking me? No, this couldn't be Sam. Sam doesn't say phrases like that. He's supposed to be a giant nerd goofball. He can't be this cool. Only that was enough to convince me that whatever this was, it wasn't Sam.

"Kristo."

 _Nice_  Dean. Very nice way to look like a fucking idiot.

No reaction. No black eyes.

Shit. If he's not a demon, then what is he?

Good thing I had it all figured out. I took the flower vase sitting right beside the door that contained holy water inside it and I splashed it all on him. _I couldn't be too careful._  I was expecting burns or something. NOPE. Nope. He was still standing there, awkwardly...Very... Awkwardly...

SHAPESHIFTER! I pulled his hair. Like, _vigorously_  pulled his hair. NOPE. Still attached to its follicles, and just a really loud  _OUCH_.

Moving on. Last but not least; the silver knife check. This time, I asked properly. I asked him to give me his arm. This was the moment of truth... Was this really Sam? I slightly slit his arm.  _Clearly_  he didn't like this last experiment. He ranted on and tried to explain himself, yadayadayada. I pressed the knife to his arm and... 

It was him. Sam. My brother. Standing five feet away from me. 

I couldn't hold back. I realized that I'd missed him so damn much. I gave him a giant brotherly hug, holding him tight, wishing I would never have to let go. Honestly, I still saw him as that little kid I watched grow up, who needed to be fed and get his diaper changed. God,  _I could never let him grow up._  I may or may not have shed a tear. Or two.

"Sam... Brother... I... I missed you man, life's a bitch without you," I started. "I'm just... useless without you. I can't use my mojo, I don't feel like myself without you, man. I've changed, and I... I feel worthless."

Everything just came out. Like that. I was thinking aloud. Of course, Sam being Sam, he cut me off and told me what a precious little soldier I am.

"Don't you dare say something like that ever again Dean, you hear me? I'm happy you finally got your normal apple pie life. This is what I've always wanted for you man, live it."

Honestly? I didn't want this ' _normal apple pie life_ '. It didn't feel like _me._

 

 

 

Every second I spent sitting with Lisa and talking things out was like needles pricking themselves into every part of my body. I felt so weak. I was just waiting for that ' _you need to_   _leave'_  talk. 

And we got there. 

She said to me; "I didnt expect Sam to come back, but the minute he walked through that door... I knew it was over."

She was tearing up, and I felt like every bit of my gut had been twisted. Like my heart was sinking down to my stomach, and then my legs.

"He's a danger magnet, evil follows you both around," Her words were blurry in my mind, and I couldn't seem to digest them. "It's as if you guys are cursed. I'm sorry Dean, but you've got to choose. Me, or him."

I kept silent, my heart... My heart sinking down to my stomach and onto my legs. She was  _really_ pulling the 'you've got to choose' card on me? I guess my reaction to what she said made the answer obvious.

Lisa rubbed her forehead with her fingers and slowly nodded. "Alright, I get it, alright."

"Lisa-"

"Dean, I can't keep you away from your brother. It was a stupid thing to ask in the first place, but if you love me or Ben at all. You'll stay away."

I felt like my nervous system broke down. My breathing stopping for a second there, but it felt like forever. Hearing those words come out from the one and only person that had ever cared about me for so long killed me. It was excruciating listening to Lisa, out of all people, say something like this. I saw this coming, but when it came it still left a friggin' huge burn deep inside.

That's my cue.

______________________________

**CASTIEL'S P.O.V:**

Seeing Sam and Dean reunite made me happier than ever. I watched Dean's soul glow throughout the meeting, shining almost as bright as a star in the galaxy. Everything was going according to plan. They were sorting things out, just perfectly, and they both didn't know I was alive. Sam and Dean had no idea what had raised Sam out of perdition, and I knew that they would eventually start looking for answers. But for now, my secret was safe. **  
**

Things started going downhill when Lisa kicked Dean out. I'm not sure why I wasn't expecting it. Being an angel, I could tell whether a pair were soulmates, and Lisa and Dean definitely weren't meant to be. But seeing Dean like that, so heartbroken, it made my breathing tighten. I very much wanted him to look me in the eyes again, for us to _communicate_  again. And I wanted to reach out to him, but it was all too painful. 

I had just hoped him and Sam would continue to live that casual life that they both wanted and not go back to hunting. 

I wouldn't be able to handle seeing Dean in danger again.

______________________________

2 DAYS LATER

______________________________

**DEAN'S P.O.V:**

Shoot gates.

Kick doors.

Reload guns.

Flashlights on.

Look left, look right. Aim.

It feels good to be back in business.

I still clearly remember how to kick doors. A part of me missed doing that a lot, yet at the same time a part of me thinks, ' _not again_ '. Although I obviously  _have_  missed driving around with baby and having to watch my brother's back, and I'm glad I can hunt monsters again. This is as close as I can get to living a normal life, the way dad taught me..

As we step into this filthy building, my nose stings from that familiar smell. Sulphur. I sure as hell didn't miss that part of my job. 

"Welcome home," I grin at Sam, winking.

Sam rolls his eyes in response. "I died for a year and a half, came back, and you're still not funny." 

 

Sam searches the security office and I check out the control room. I feel like I'm in the middle of filming freaking ' _Chernobyl Diaries'_. I creep into the room, which is a lot larger than what I had in mind. I was thinking of some kind of war submarine control room, but this one is  _way_  larger. I'm talking 'bout; ' _Close Encounters of the Third Kind',_ airplane runway big. This thing, it could be anywhere. Realization of how stupid we were to go seperate ways in this freaky ass haunted mansion 2.0 smacked me in the face.

 --------------------------------------------------------------

Dean and Sam Winchester, brothers reunited, hunting again; it was all much like a dream for them. A  _too good to be true_ dream.

However, with every dream, there eventually comes the time when you wake up.

 --------------------------------------------------------------

_BOOM._

 --------------------------------------------------------------

**DEAN'S P.O.V:**

Sam seems to hear the gunshot. Hell, he would probably still hear it even if he was deaf. It's the loudest  _boom_  I've ever heard. He shoots that son of a bitch, all too quickly. 

It's all happening in the time span of five seconds but it feels like a billion hours to me.

This pain, I've never felt before; like a dynamite has gone off inside my chest. I think my ribs have turned to powder. I can't move my arms. It's as if lava is oozing from my lungs. It's so damn hard to breathe. It's like trying to breathe from a teenie tiny coffee straw. I am choking in my own warm blood. 

And suddenly, everything is slowing down.

I blink and blink, desperately trying to see what's going on. I can see nothing but a haze of white. I hear nothing but a loud ringing, pounding in my eardrums. I try to move my legs, but they're paralyzed. The ground shakes underneath me.

The blood feels sticky. Wet.

I am drowning in my own goddamn body fluid.

To top it all of, memories are flashing. My head is spinning, spinning, spinning and all these memories are flashing in my mind, almost like I'm watching a television series.

And I can't find the off button on the remote.

It makes me think of how short my life is. How I spent most of my years shutting people out, especially the ones who care about me the most. How I didn't get to save all the people I know; my friends, my family. I was always trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Daddy's soldier. Sammy's parent.

If I die tonight, I died having accomplished nothing. I am still no one: I am nothing but that pathetic jerk that everyone despises, bleeding to death in an empty, filthy place. If I could live, do it all over again, I would definitely do it so differently. 

I'd start by ditching dad. Jesus, I was such an idiot to agree and do what he told me to. I never wanted to be "daddy's little soldier". I want to live a normal, apple pie life. I could've found a job and another house in the city and I wouldn't have ended up here. Sammy was smart enough to rebel. I wish I didn't have to drag him away from the life he was living.

Finally, I would say yes to Michael, because if I had said yes in the first place, no one would have died. Cas would be alive right now.

Cas.

Right, Cas.

Not a single day passes without me regretting his death. Even if I die, I'm still no good, I'm still worthless and I am still not enough. I'd like to undo and redo a billion things right now.

Too bad I'm just one breath away from death. 

_People's gotta go._


	6. First Time In An Eternity

**CASTIEL'S P.O.V:**

Watching Sam and Dean hunting together is strange. It fascinates me; the fact that Dean can still do all those acrobats after everything he has been through. I keep watching the two of them, staying invisible to the human eye. I don't know why I'm staying. I guess it's to make sure Dean is safe. 

When the bullet hits Dean, I feel like a part of me has been torn to shreds.

I appear in a flash and I hear Sam's gasp cover his crying. I kneel next to Dean and hold him. There is blood bubbling from his mouth and his eyes have rolled back.

I cup his face with my hand and let my grace wash over him.

Let my grace take away his excruciating pain.

**DEAN'S P.O.V:**

My eyes open.

Everything feels so odd. For a moment, I think I'm in the afterlife, but I've died too ridiculously much to notice I'm not. I am laying down on a small, hard bed. First thing I see is a golden light shining through what looks like a huge iron demon trap stencil. Bobby's panic room. I'm in Bobby's bunker. I look around, bewildered. Everything is bright and blurry and I can't keep my eyes open. My head is thumping like a bitch and I feel so weak and drained. I lift my weary head very, very slowly, and I see a dude sitting on the edge of my bed. Definitely isn't Sam. I think he is staring at me. I am working my ass off to keep my eyes open and focus on the figure. When I finally do, I cannot believe my eyes. It couldn't be...

_Cas._

It is Cas. I sit up quickly, not minding the massive, massive thumping in my skull. He stands up in a rush, taking a few steps back. I seem to have definitely freaked him out big time. His eyes are wide open, but he is doing everything he can to avoid eye contact. 

"Cas..? Is that really you?"

It takes a few seconds until he finally looks into my eyes and replies. "Hello, Dean. Y-yes, it's me, it's Castiel."

I can tell he is nervous, it's as if he feels some sort of heavy guilt. It's been a year and a half since we last seen each other. At this point, I don't know whether to punch him or give him a tight hug, because he sure as hell deserves a little bit of both.

"Cas, I thought you were dead, man! I called you, I prayed to you, every night! Why didn't you ever reply? Why, Cas?"

He stands nervously, awkwardly, as if he is hiding something from me. He isn't looking into my eyes, his eyes are elsewhere. I know he has something to say, but he is just afraid.

"Dean, it's complicated..."

"Cas, c'mon, it's me you're talking to. You gotta look at me, man. You gotta level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye, and tell me the honest truth." Son of a bitch. What was going on in his little mind? What did he do so wrong, that he's so afraid to tell me? _Me._  It takes legit half a minute until we finally make eye contact again. 

"Dean, I wish I could tell you, but it really is complicated-"

"What do you mean complicated? You can't pull that ' _it's complicated'_  bullcrap on me, Cas. I'll try to understand, just tell me, just tell me what's going on. All you gotta do is tell me where you were and why you didn't come when I called." I'm so pissed, why wouldn't he open up? He looks terrified as hell. And then something strikes me, what if he's so anxious because... 

"Oh my god... Cas... Were you the one who gripped Sam from the basement..?"

He finally stops fidgeting and stares blankly at the ground. "Yes, Dean. I gripped your brother and raised him from perdition."

It was him. It was Cas. Cas saved my brother.

"Why, Cas? I mean, I don't know how to thank you enough, but why would you risk your life and reputation just to save a man who doesn't even really matter to the world...? Why Sam? Why my brother?"

Oh  _god_ , right now, I just wished he would consume some truth potion or something, but then at the same time, I don't know if I could handle the truth. We've been talking for minutes and minutes and he's not opening up enough. Just as I lose all hope for answers, he speaks.

"When I say it's complicated, it  _really_  is complicated. If you want me to tell the honest truth, Dean, I will," Cas hardly looks nervous anymore, just... confused. "When Sam fell into the pit with Michael and Lucifer, Lucifer blew me to pieces, as you already know,"

I nod, frowning at the memory.

"But that night, I was revived by something,  _someone._  And the only explanation I could come up with was God. Only my father could put me back together like that."

I swallow the lump forming in my throat. "So you were alive this whole time? That still doesn't explain anything, Cas. It doesn't explain why you didn't answer my prayers-"

"I'm getting there. It's a long story, Dean," He cuts me off. "I couldn't answer you, but I saw you were miserable and I couldn't just sit back and watch. So I made a plan to rebel against Heaven and raise Sam out of perdition, a plan that took eighteen months to organise. Because I knew you weren't truly happy with Lisa. You needed your family, your  _real_  family. I would have brought Bobby back too, but I didn't have enough grace for that."

"Why couldn't you answer me?"

Cas' cheeks flush pink, and once again, he looks nervous. "I.. Uh.."

"Please, Cas. Just tell me the truth. You owe me that much."

"You make me feel something, Dean. Something I can't explain. It's like some sort of pain in my stomach that gets hotter and hotter every time I'm around you. In all honesty, it terrifies me, which is why I stayed away. I'm not used to these human emotions... I just don't understand what it all means..."

I understand. It's all clear to me now, everything. That feeling he just described? It's familiar. Very, very familiar. I have to cut him off. 

"Cas, stop ranting, just stop it. I understand what you're describing. I'll make this clear for ya."

And I kiss him.

**CASTIEL'S P.O.V:**

It takes a couple of seconds for me to process what is happening, but once it kicks in, I feel like I'm melting away. Dean's lips are fire and I feel that burning ache in my stomach get more and more intense, but this time, it's more of a sensation rather than painful. I am a sunflower, Dean making me bloom. I let out a small gasp as he invades my mouth with his tongue, running his fingers through my hair and tugging at the back, lifting my chin and exposing my neck. He starts to place kisses down my jawline, and that's when it hits me; how badly I've wanted this. No, not want,  _need._  I need Dean Winchester. The burning feeling is growing and I can feel it in every inch of my form,  _especially_  in my vessel's pants. I kiss back with everything I have and our tongues play twister. I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's all too much, but I _really_  don't want to stop. We're both moaning and panting and clinging onto each other like we're clinging to life, desperate to hold on to this moment.

Dean pulls back first, only slightly, a string of spit still connecting us as he does so. We stare at each other, not speaking a word. Dean's pupils are so dilated there are almost no green left in his eyes, but they are still sparkling. One of his hands is cupping my face, holding me like I am some sort of precious ornament that could break if you aren't gentle with it. Dean lets out a small nervous chuckle before breaking the silence.

"Did I make it clear enough for you?" 

I don't respond, I just keep staring into those eyes. The expression Dean holds seems to describe exactly how I have been feeling for him. It is like he has transferred my thoughts and encoded it to his face. My heart is in my throat, and I feel like if I say anything it'll leap out, so I keep quiet. Staring.

And before I know it, I'm grabbing him by the jacket and we're kissing again.

It feels safe.

It feels like home.


End file.
